Pure Madnesson
News and politics from Madison, Wisconsin... with a twist. Everything contained herein is intended as satire. Please do not take it too seriously. It's pure madness! . Email Pure Madnesson at puremadnesson@yahoo.com.Archives
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Friday, January 13, 2006
Group Blames Faulty Study on Friday the 13th
The sky really isn't falling in Madison or at least not as much as projected by a Northstar study released yesterday for the Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce. Alderman Austin King questioned the study's core data.
The group claimed the sky over Madison had already fallen at least 11 feet in recent years and predicted a complete plummet to the ground if the sick leave ordinance passes. After reviewing the study, King explained, "That just doesn't add up. The sky has hovered only a few feet above the city's tallest buildings for as long as I can remember. Recently, the city has approved development of numerous tall buildings that couldn't possibly be built if the sky really had fallen that far."
King was right that the numbers just don't add up. Dennis Winters, vice president of Northstar, admits a fatal error. The sky to ground ratio was measured in inches, but a researcher mistook the measurements as done in feet. "It's really quite embarassing, but Northstar stands behind its research." We shall correct the study and show that the sky has indeed fallen 11 inches."
Other researchers question the methodology and other data behind the study. Laura Dresser of the Center for Wisconsin Strategy explains, "Northstar did not actually go out and measure the position of the sky relative to the ground at various intervals. Instead, researchers surveyed Chamber of Commerce members, asking them to estimate the distance of the sky's descent at specific points in time." Dresser also points out that even if the total amount of sky fall could be proven, Northstar takes a leap of faith in connecting the mysterious declines to specific events.
Why wasn't this caught by either the Chamber of Commerce or Northstar prior to the study's release? Chamber president Jennifer Alexander blames it on the nortoriously unlucky Friday the 13th. "I should have known better than to release a study before such a cursed day. Dumb luck has made us look a bit foolish." Alexander goes on to say that she should have called off yesterday's press conference immediately when a small black cat crossed her path outside the Avenue Bar.
Chamber member, Dan Guerra, who spoke at the press conference agrees. "It is more than just Friday the 13th and a black cat. On my way to the Avenue for the event, I accidentally walked under a ladder. It was definitely a sign," shares Guerra. The staff at Northstar agree. Winters adds, "I urged the Chamber to wait until after the 13th to release the study. I told Jennifer that something would happen on the 13th, as I'm a little superstitious that way."
The Chamber released an official statement today blaming Friday the 13th and other supernatureal events for the demise of the study. Meanwhile, the average Madisonian will be relieved to know that no matter what the Chamber of Commerce may claim, there is no verifiable scientific evidence that the sky is crashing down on the city.
The group claimed the sky over Madison had already fallen at least 11 feet in recent years and predicted a complete plummet to the ground if the sick leave ordinance passes. After reviewing the study, King explained, "That just doesn't add up. The sky has hovered only a few feet above the city's tallest buildings for as long as I can remember. Recently, the city has approved development of numerous tall buildings that couldn't possibly be built if the sky really had fallen that far."
King was right that the numbers just don't add up. Dennis Winters, vice president of Northstar, admits a fatal error. The sky to ground ratio was measured in inches, but a researcher mistook the measurements as done in feet. "It's really quite embarassing, but Northstar stands behind its research." We shall correct the study and show that the sky has indeed fallen 11 inches."
Other researchers question the methodology and other data behind the study. Laura Dresser of the Center for Wisconsin Strategy explains, "Northstar did not actually go out and measure the position of the sky relative to the ground at various intervals. Instead, researchers surveyed Chamber of Commerce members, asking them to estimate the distance of the sky's descent at specific points in time." Dresser also points out that even if the total amount of sky fall could be proven, Northstar takes a leap of faith in connecting the mysterious declines to specific events.
Why wasn't this caught by either the Chamber of Commerce or Northstar prior to the study's release? Chamber president Jennifer Alexander blames it on the nortoriously unlucky Friday the 13th. "I should have known better than to release a study before such a cursed day. Dumb luck has made us look a bit foolish." Alexander goes on to say that she should have called off yesterday's press conference immediately when a small black cat crossed her path outside the Avenue Bar.
Chamber member, Dan Guerra, who spoke at the press conference agrees. "It is more than just Friday the 13th and a black cat. On my way to the Avenue for the event, I accidentally walked under a ladder. It was definitely a sign," shares Guerra. The staff at Northstar agree. Winters adds, "I urged the Chamber to wait until after the 13th to release the study. I told Jennifer that something would happen on the 13th, as I'm a little superstitious that way."
King stands behind his assertion that the study's flaws came from carelessness and a strong desire to prove that the sky is indeed falling. Alexander says that her group will stand behind the study once corrected and insists the sky will soon fall.
The Chamber released an official statement today blaming Friday the 13th and other supernatureal events for the demise of the study. Meanwhile, the average Madisonian will be relieved to know that no matter what the Chamber of Commerce may claim, there is no verifiable scientific evidence that the sky is crashing down on the city.
posted by Pure Madness<> # 3:48 PM 
