Pure Madnesson

On the heels of news that Madison-Kipp, a long time manufacturing facility on Madison's east side, is eyeing a new site in Sun Prairie, the Environmental Protection Agency released a study of emissions from the smokestacks neighborhood residents have complained about for years. The results shocked some residents of the area.

Residents of the east side neighborhood near Kipp have known for years that emissions from the plant include dangerous chemicals, exhaust, and toxins. None of this comes as a surprise to the plant's neighbors who have complained about toxic fumes for years. The big surprise, according to the report, is the finding of "intoxicatingly high levels of marijuana smoke pouring from the plant's smokestacks."

Company officials have appealed to the EPA to complete a new test, complaining that the report is wrong. Kipp's neighbors expressed surprise when the report was revealed at a recent Schenk Atwood Neighborhood Association meeting but also believe the report explains a lot. One resident ascertains that the marijuana smoke is probably responsible for the peaceful atmosphere for which the near east side of Madison is known saying, "It's like one big Grateful Dead concert. We're all high and getting along, you know." Another area resident now blames Kipp for her late night eating habit. "I get the munchies really late every night, and now I know why. The pot smoke coming out of Kipp probably keeps Glass Nickel in business."

Members of Clean Air Madison are outraged. A spokesperson for the group adds, "Kipp is right near Lowell Elementary School. If our kids are high, they can't possibly learn." Alderwoman Judy Olson echoed these concerns stating, "My first thought was that this isn't such a bad thing. I mean, who doesn't like a little contact high every now and then? But we have to think beyond ourselves and remember the children. Remember the commercials: 'This is your brain on drugs.'"

Sun Prairie officials are concerned, too, as Kipp prepares for its expansion there, but Mayor Joe Chase assures residents, "We aren't like those crazy liberals in Madison. Kipp won't get away with puffing out its illegal drugs here." He promises to dispatch the entire Sun Prairie Police Department to Kipp at the first hint of impropriety.

Madison-Kipp issued a brief statement early this morning calling the situation regrettable. The statement reads, "We are appealing the EPA's findings, as all marijuana smoking at the plant is restricted to well ventilated executive offices and should not impact plant emissions. We stand firmly by our record of releasing nothing but deadly toxins into the air around our plants."