News and politics from Madison, Wisconsin... with a twist. Everything contained herein is intended as satire. Please do not take it too seriously. It's pure madness!
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The dangerous amounts of manganese found in two of Madison's drinking water wells may not be the result of the mineral naturally occurring in the city's aquifers as originally suspected. The police and public health departments are working together to investigate reports that in the weeks proceeding the revelation about the water supply, large amounts of manganese was bought by two men at multiple Walgreens locations throughout Madison and the surrounding area.
According to Public Health Director Thomas Schlenker, his department was performing an investigation into the source of the manganese in the water supply when a gelatin-like substance was discovered floating in one of the wells. "The gelatin substance appears to be from the outside of mineral supplement capsules," explained Schlenker. "It seems that someone injected thousands of capsules into the water supply, probably not realizing that the outsides of the capsules would not fully dissolve with such large quantities present."
This discovery has prompted a police investigation. Officers canvassed local drugstores and superstores that carry mineral supplements and found that nearly every Walgreens totally sold out of manganese. Through questioning of store clerks, the police were able to determine the times during which the suspects bought the suplements and have used surveillance video to identify two individuals. Mayoral candidate Ray Allen and former Madison mayor Paul Soglin have both been arrested and are being held for further questioning in the investigation. Neither has been charged as of this time.
It appears the two men may have poured the manganese supplements into the wells in an effort to discredit Mayor Dave Cieslewicz. Cieslewicz has taken significant heat for his lack of oversight of the city's Water Utility. Mayoral spokesman George Twigg describes the mayor as "incredibly disappointed" that Allen and Soglin would put the public in danger just to further Allen's political career. Michael Quigley, spokesman for the Allen campaign, denies any involvement of Allen or his campaign in the contamination. Quigley says, "I have known Ray Allen a long time, and I know he has far too much common sense to participate in something like this."
Police Chief Noble Wray claims that the investigation is not over yet. The department plans to call in Homeland Security, as the act could be considered bioterrorism. Charges will likely be filed against both Soglin and Allen later this week. Police also wish to question several other individuals who may have helped the duo purchase the supplements, but no additional names have been released.