Pure Madnesson

School Board candidate, Michael Kelly, has reportedly been abducted from his home by space aliens. Neighbors report seeing a UFO land in Kelly's backyard more than two weeks ago, and Kelly has not been seen or heard from since.

Kelly is running against Arlene Silveira and Maya Cole for the seat on the Madison School Board being vacated by Bill Keys. Both Silveira and Cole refused to comment on their opponent's mysterious disappearance.

No further information is available at this time.

On Saturday, Downtown Madison Incorporated held its 20th annual Frostiball event at the Overture Center. The weekend event began with all of the glamour and glitz of a traditional ball but ended on a sour note. Police in riot gear were called in and used tear gas to disperse the crowd of bejeweled partiers.

Late in the evening, shortly before guests were to leave the Overture Center, DMI President Susan Schmitz reportedly entered the Frostiball Martini Lounge and announced, "CONGA! CONGA!" Drunken party-goers quickly joined her in forming a conga line which then circled through the Overture Center picking up patrons along the way. Hundreds of Madisonians, dressed in formalwear, joined the conga line led by Schmitz.

Schmitz led the group outside to State Street where she found an exentension ladder left by a construction crew. She used the ladder to climb to the top of Overture's inverted dome, and her conga line followed. The group began sliding down the sides of the dome into the center, where a mosh pit quickly formed.

When police arrived, they found chaos atop Overture and on State Street below. Those near the end of the conga line had remained on the ground, lighting bonfires and throwing champagne bottles. Coiffed hair was crushed, nails were broken, and shoes were scuffed.

Police were unable to secure the scene, so they used tear gas to break up the crowd. Police Spokesperson Mike Hanson describes the scene as "utter chaos, and no one would leave. We had to use tear gas to prevent anyone from getting hurt." According to Hanson, there were no serious injuries, though former Mayor Sue Bauman was upset that her hairdo was ruined. Police issued 46 citations for disorderly conduct, and 7 arrests were made. Police are still looking two men, one in a kilt and one wearing bowling shoes who ran from officers while being questioned for urinating off the roof of the Overture Center.

Alderman Paul Skidmore and Former Alderman Ronn Ferrell joined police on the scene with video cameras in hand. They claim to have footage of the public urinators which has been turned over to police for identification. Skidmore also plans to introduce a Wine Registration ordinance at the next City Council meeting. He explains, "Not all of the party-goers got drunk at the event. Many attended house parties and were served large amounts of red wine before coming to the ball. This could be prevented if stores were required to collect identifying information from anyone purchasing full cases of wine or champagne."

Alderman Mike Verveer, who represents the downtown area and attended the event as a DMI board member, calls the event a tragedy. "A few people chose to drink too much and ruin the Frostiball for everyone." Verveer plans to introduce a glass ban for the event in the future, but several DMI members have already voiced objections to drinking from plastic wine glasses.

The city has not yet determined the cost of policing the event, though overtime costs are expected to run over $200,000. Mayor Dave Cieslewicz says that taxpayers will likely be stuck flitting the bill. He vows to cancel the event next year if an appropriate plan cannot be made to prevent such an ending. Cieslewicz also promised to appoint a Frostiball committee headed by Alcohol Policy Coordinator, Joel Plant, to plan for next year's ball. According to Plant, "Alcohol is clearly at the root of the problem. Excessive consumption was definitely a factor in the deterioration of the Frostiball."

Alderman Zach Brandon from Madison's south west side plans to send a letter to the mayor asking him to bill DMI for the policing costs. He will ask other alderpeople to join him in signing the letter. Brandon says, "It's unfair that the taxpayer should continue to cover the costs of policing downtown drinking events. DMI planned the event and should be held responsible for its consequences."

A City of Madison recycling truck injured two people Friday in what is being called a freak accident. The city began using automated recycling trucks last year in an effort to cut costs and increase the variety of materials being recycled. Until now, the program has been successful, as Madisonians have been recycling more than ever before.

According to police who responded to the accident, the automated arm of a recycling truck travelling on the the near west side reached out on its own and lifted a pedestrian and a bicyclist into the air. A second pedestrian walking with the group was not touched. The truck's driver did not know the arm had extended and continued driving with the two victims dangling from the claw. Driver error does not appear to have caused the accident, and alcohol does not appear to be a factor. The truck is being checked for possible technical problems.

What occurred Friday is a mystery to Madison's recycling coordinator, George Dreckmann. According to Dreckmann, "Nothing like this has ever happened before, and there are dozens of cities using these trucks. We are searching for the cause and are working to ensure nothing like this ever happens again."

One city employee tells a different story. This employee, who asked not to be named publicly, explains that the company providing the trucks to the city has been experimenting with some new technology as it moves toward robotizing the vehicles. Three of Madison's recycling trucks have reportedly been accessorized with sensors to distinguish between recycled and non-recycled materials. "This experiment has not been made public knowledge," states the employee. "Robotizing the program would mean significant loss of jobs, and I don't think the Mayor wants that known at this time. Obviously, the experiment may be dangerous, too. This isn't good news for public safety." The employee believes these sensors are responsible for Friday's incident. It appears the sensors may have picked up the metal in the bike and a can of soda being carried by the pedestrian. The pedestrian was also carrying a newspaper, perhaps setting off a false alarm for mixed recyclables. The companion who remained untouched reports carrying nothing that could be miscontrued as recyclable. Dreckmann adamantly denies the employee's claims and states, "If something like this was happening in MY recycling program, I would be the first to know about it." The company that provides the trucks to the city refused to comment.

Alderwoman Robbie Webber, a staunch advocate for pedestrian and bicycle travel, says she knows nothing of experimental sensors being used on the recycling trucks. "If this is true, I am very concerned," she claims. "If we want people to get out of their cars and use alternative forms of transportation, we have to ensure their safety. I plan to demand an immediate investigation into this claim."

Both victims were treated at Meriter Hospital for minor injuries and released late Friday. Witnesses expressed surprise they were not more seriously harmed. A witness who happened to drive by as the incident occurred describes the scene as "something right out of a Monster Truck rally" and says, "I thought for sure they'd be smashed up there."

The February issue of Hustler Magazine hit the shelves today. Hustler has named Madison the #1 city for adult entertainment. This honor comes just as Madison's most well-known adult video store, Selective Video, opens its second location on the city's east side.

The magazine touts the two Selective Video locations, Visions strip club, and Red Letter News as shining examples of adult entertainment. The article also features the State Street Arcade and Bennett's famous smut-and-eggs.

Madison's #1 ranking comes as quite a surprise, especially given that the city did not even make the list last year. According to Hustler, Madison didn't make last year's cut because of one alderman's historic attempts to shut down the adult bookstore, Red Letter News. In late 2003, northside Alderman Brian Benford protested alongside his neighbors and tried to have Red Letter News shut down after the store was issued citations stemming from four men performing sexual acts inside Red Letter's video booths. Since then, Benford explains that he has given up his fight on the premise of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."

The editors of Hustler see that the tide has turned for adult entertainment in Madison, citing the events surrounding the opening of Selective Video II on the city's east side as indicative of positive change. According to the magazine:

"Madison Alderman Santiago Rosas who represents the area did not even know the store had opened. In most cities, such events are marred by controversy and objections from both neighbors and elected officials. A representative so out of touch with his neighborhood that he doesn't even know that an adult video store opened is big news for the adult entertainment industry. Imagine the possibilities."

Though Rosas says he is adamantly opposed to the opening of yet another adult establishment on the east side of Madison, he took no action because he knew nothing of the store's opening. Asked how he could not have known, Rosas states, "How would I know about the opening of a new adult video store? I can't imagine we need it given the ease of accessing these pornographic materials through the internet. It's just so much more tasteful to receive that plain brown envelope via the mail."

County Supervisor Andy Olsen, who represents the area on the Dane County Board, says he is comfortable with the new store's location. Olsen claims, "I have heard no complaints from my constituents. In fact, many have indicated that they are pleased with the convenience of the new location. There's no more need to fight Beltline traffic to get to Selective Video's south side store."

Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz issued a press release today claiming that Madison's #1 ranking by Hustler is just one more indication that Madison really is friendly to business.

East side Alderman Larry Palm is upset about a series of brown bag lunches planned by Alderwoman Brenda Konkel to discuss Madison's Inclusionary Zoning law. Palm sent an email to other alders earlier today asking them to boycott the lunch meetings. In the email, Palm explains his objections to Konkel's invitation:

Alderwoman Konkel has asked us to join her for a brown bag lunch to discuss Inclusionary Zoning. At first, I was concerned she would not publicly notice the meetings, but now I understand that she has arranged to do so. However, I still won't be attending, and I ask you to join me in boycotting the lunches. Let me explain.

I find the concept of a brown bag lunch offensive. Through this invitation, Alderwoman Konkel implies that my Spiderman lunchbox would not be acceptable. I refuse to leave Spidey at home and eat from a plain brown bag.

Please let Alderwoman Konkel know that you will not be attending these lunches. Instead, join me and my pal, Spidey, for an informal lunch with no discussion of the issues impacting our city. And don't forget your lunch box.

Alderman Zach Brandon has already agreed to join the boycott. He responded to Palm's email saying, "I will be there with my Beverly Hills 90210 lunchbox and matching thermos. I've worked hard to be just like Steve from 90210, and I've always had a crush on the actress that played Kelly. It will be great to dust off the old lunchbox and get to see my old pals from Beverly Hills again." Alderwoman Cindy Thomas plans to attend Palm's boycott lunch, as well, promising to not only use her Catwoman lunchbox but to wear the matching costume, too.

Alderman Paul Skidmore responded to Palm's invitation, saying that he has no lunchbox but will attend and bring his favorite flask. Skidmore apparently prefers a liquid lunch. Alderman Jed Sanborn is working on changing a previous engagement so he can show off his George W. Bush lunch pail.

Other City Council members have not yet responded to Palm's invitation, but he predicts "the brown bag boycott will be a success."

In the wake of controvery over the possibility of obtaining discounted fuel from Citgo stemming from a local activist's negotiations with Hugo Chavez, Madison Metro has announced a bold new plan to cut costs. A press released issued by Metro explains, "Madison Metro has a plan to do even better than simple fuel discounts. We will eliminate the need for fuel altogether by the end of 2008."

According to Catherine Debo, head of Madison Metro, the plan still needs to pass the Transit and Parking Commission as well as the City Council. Under the new plan, the City of Madison would replace its entire existing fleet of busses, in stages over the next 3 years, with Flinstone busses. The Flinstone busses operate much like the cars in the cartoon series of the same name. No fuel is needed, as drivers would operate the busses by running with their feet. Debo says she is intrigued by the idea that busses could run on "people power" rather than traditional fuels.

Alderman Jed Sanborn, a member of the Transit and Parking Commission, claims that he favors any plan to cut costs but believes privitization of public transportation is a better option for savings. Ken Golden, another alderman on the TPC, expressed concern about the potential for worker injuries due to twisted ankles and road rash on the soles of their feet. Debo minimizes Golden's concerns, explaining, "All drivers will be required to wear protective foot wear and ankle supports. I'm told that our insurance costs may actually go down because drivers will be getting more exercise, making them healthier."

Ben Manski, the Green Party activist responsible for proposing the Chavez plan for Madison, has some experience with the Flinstone vehicles. Manski believes, "By proposing this alternative, Metro is just trying to dodge getting involved in a political controvery. A few years ago, I bought a Flinstone car in hopes of cutting my own fuel usage. Frankly, I just couldn't run fast enough to make it work on our busy roads. We'll end up firing half of Metro's drivers because they can't keep the busses running on schedule."

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz has not decided how he feels about either the Chavez or the Flinstone plan. "I'd like to study how these proposals may impact my plans for a city-wide trolley car system before I take a position. Both proposals hold some appeal, but I fear the time may not be right for either one."

Earlier tonight, police responded to what they thought was a routine teenage prank. Imagine their surprise when the found it was Mayor Dave Cieslewicz's house being covered with toilet paper. And the perpetrators were not teenagers. Instead, police found former mayor Paul Soglin wrapping the current mayor's trees, house, and yard with Quilted Northern.

Soglin was arrested and released after being charged with disorderly conduct. Police found 60 rolls of toilet paper in the back of the former mayor's SUV. Asked why he did it, Soglin replied, "I had to even the score," and refused to comment further.

President Bush announced today that he will withdraw all troops from Iraq immediately on the evening of April 4, 2006 if the majority of Madison's residents vote to do so. In November, representatives of the Bring the Troops Home Now campaign submitted nearly 19,000 signatures to place a referendum on the spring ballot in Madison.

In a letter to Mayor Cieslewicz, President Bush writes, "While it's against my better judgement to bring the troops home until my Daddy tells me to, I will do it sooner if the people of Madison think it is best." The mayor was surprised to receive the letter. Mayoral spokesman George Twigg says that the mayor is happy that Madison is finally being recognized as the important city it is. According to Twigg, "Madison has been a leader on so many fronts. We increased the minimum wage, forcing the state to take action. Now our call for peace forces action on the national level. We have become a superpower."

Representatives of the Bring the Troops Home Now campaign are also delighted. Chairman Steve Burns says the group expected to make a difference with its grassroots effort but never expected it to have this kind of success. He thanks the City Council for accepting the group's desires and sending the issue to referendum, saying, "In the past, the Council has passed resolutions similar to this, and the federal government has never acted on those resolutions. In this case, people power made the difference, so how could Bush say no?"

At least one Madison alderwoman will be voting against the referendum, though. Judy Compton, who represents part of the city's eastside is outraged that residents have the nerve to try to tell her president what to do. Compton claims that the situation here in Madison is "worse than in the 60s and we should all be ashamed." She feels that the city has forced President Bush to make a decision that "just isn't right." Compton says that the troops should stay in Iraq "until the bitter end, whatever it takes."

Alderman Austin King, a key proponent of the referendum, is every bit as thrilled as Burns. He dismisses Compton's concerns as "petty politics."

President Bush could not be reached for comment, but a White House spokesperson states simply, "The president realizes that the liberals in Madison really do know best."

The city of Madison announced today that it will sell the Dudgeon School building in an auction on EBay. Last year, Wingra School, currently located on the site, offered to purchase the school for $1. The building is badly in need of repair.

The city offered to sell the building to Wingra for $750,000, but Wingra decided to negotiate on an alternate location. That left the city not knowing what to do, but Alderman Zach Brandon had an idea, "We should get as much money as possible for the site. It's high time we catch up technologically and use the tools EBay gives us to help do that. I'm excited about the prospect of an online auction for the property."

But neighbors of the school express some reservations. According to Alderman Ken Golden, who represents the Monroe-Dudgeon area, "There are a lot of older folks in this area who want to preserve the Dudgeon building. If it's sold on EBay, we lose control of what happens on the site." While Golden currently objects to the auction plan, he says that he would be amenable to the idea if inclusion of a grocery store on the site is a requirement for any buyer.

There is no word as to possible bidders on the site. Jennifer Alexander of the Greater Madison Chamber ofCommerce states that the site was considered for The Business Community, but concerns about ability to annex the land away from Madison and the small size of the site will prevent the group from bidding.

Some alders fear there will be no bidders for the property. Alderwoman Judy Olson believes, "It's unlikely to sell this way, but I guess I'm ok with giving it a chance. I don't want to be the old fuddy-duddy who gets in the way of advancing us into the modern technology era."

Brandon is confident the plan will work. According to Brandon, "The beauty of the plan is that it doesn't cost taxpayers a dime to administer. EBay does all of the work for us, and the whole city benefits." He would like to sell all of the city's currently unused property on EBay, calling it "just good business."

Rumor has it there is at least on interested bidder, though only his EBay username is available. The unnamed bidder goes by "Twall", and he hopes to build a strip mall on the site.

No arrests were made, but more than 100 fines were issued to Tavern League members and their supporters during a "Ban-the-Ban" protest in the office of Madison Mayor, Dave Cieslewicz. The rally, sponsored by the Wisconsin Tavern League in conjunction with the Coalition to Save Madison Jobs, was held in protest of recent fines issued to three Madison bars which have allowed smoking by their customers.

Joe Klinzig, owner of South Bay Lounge and spokesman for the Coalition to Save Madison Jobs has not allowed smoking in his bar since the start of the ban, but he understands why others have. "When your profits are down as much as 300%, you do what you need to," he explains. Asked whether revenue losses have been inflated, Klinzig denies the claim. "Profits really are down well over 100%. We are ALL losing money since this ban started, and the entire bar industry will be out of business within the next 6 months. The anti-smoking zealots just aren't willing to acknowledge that." He calls the event "really more of a smoke-in" than a rally.

Among those ticketed at the smoke-in is Barb Mercer, president of the Tavern League. Mercer says the small fine is worth it to make a point. "We decided to stage this smoke-in as a means of civil disobedience and to show the inconsistency of the message the city is sending." According to Mercer, the city should be fining smokers who choose to light up in bars rather than ticketing bar owners. "You notice, they ticketed us as the smokers today. Why didn't they fine the Mayor for allowing us to smoke in his office?"


Mayoral spokesman George Twigg, donning a sparkling white shirt with starched white collar incidentally, says that the Mayor's office still stands behind the smoking ban and does not see it as a white collar vs. blue collar issue. Twigg also states that the city is justified in fining the bar owners for allowing smoking in their establishments. Asked why the mayor wasn't fined for allowing smoking in his office, Twigg responds with a laugh, "It's not like the mayor invited Barb Mercer and her gang in for a smoke."

Bob Lindmeier, weatherman for Channel 27 in Madison, has apologized for his error. He mis-predicted last night's snowfall as 1 to 2 inches and claimed that the city has seen a particularly mild January. When all the snow had hit the ground, more than 3 inches blanketed Madison. A spokesperson from WKOW television gave the following statement:

"Lindmeier is sorry for getting last night's snowfall amount wrong. He
misread the doppler chart and based his statement on an average snowfall
for a three county area. It was an honest mistake that made his prediction wrong
by as much as a full inch. Regardless, his statement that Madison has seen a
particularly mild winter still holds true. There is no true measure available
for predicting the snowfall exclusively within the city's borders."

While the TV station defends Lindmeier's statements, a local group just isn't buying it. Michael Quigley, speaking on behalf of the Common Sense Coalition, calls the error "inexcusable" and argues that there is no basis for Lindmeier's claims. According to Quigley, "This sort of error is unacceptable from a leader in Madison's weather forecasting community. It's misleading to Madison residents."

Ray Allen, a former School Board Member and current chairman of the Common Sense Coalition, wants more oversight of weather forecasts in Madison. "This is exactly why the Common Sense Coalition is calling for an executive level Chief Executive Weatherman position at Channel 27. We need someone who can read a basic chart to ensure that these weathermen don't go off willy-nilly, letting Madisonians go without their boots and ice scrapers by giving them the wrong information."

On her show today, conservative talk show host Vicki McKenna professed her love for progressive Madison Alderman Austin King. News of their secret romance broke after the two were spotted smooching at Wiggies tavern earlier this week. McKenna says that she and King have been dating since July when he came on her show to talk about Madison's smoking ban. The couple has frequented taverns on Madison's far north and east sides, assuming they did not have to worry about being seen since the smoking ban has left these bars nearly empty since July.

According to McKenna, it was love at first sight for her. "When Austin was campaigning for City Council, someone gave me one of his flyers and I was like WOW! His hair was long back then, and I've had a thing for guys with long hair ever since my days as a Bon Jovi groupie in the 80s," she explains. McKenna claims she has been "crushing on Austin" since the first time she saw his picture. Though King has enjoyed "the grown-up look" of shorter hair during the last year, he has agreed to grow it long again for McKenna.

For many months, King refused to go on McKenna's show. He wouldn't discuss topics such as minimum wage or the city budget with a Republican, but McKenna was relentless. King finally caved when he found McKenna and himself on the same side of the debate regarding a smoking ban exemption for cigar bars. "Vicki's voice had always grated on my nerves. I always thought she'd sound more appropriate answering a 900 number than talking politics," says King, "When I finally met her in person, I wanted her answering my own private 900 number."

The seemingly unlikely pair have little in common politically, but they claim that doesn't get in the way of romance. "Opposites attract," they say in unison. They do have something in common, though. A friend who knows both McKenna and King quite well claims, "It's hard to say which one of them has the biggest ego. I would think that would cause problems in a relationship, but I suppose they see themselves in each other in that regard."

The couple plans to marry this spring and start a family shortly thereafter, but they won't be moving in together before then. "I believe in good old-fashioned family values," says McKenna. "Austin is willing to wait." Asked how they will raise their children, King explains, "We will expose them to both sides of the political spectrum and let them choose when they are old enough to do so."

As the writer of this blog, I want to remind readers that everything contained herein is fictional. It is intended purely as satire of the issues, news, and events of Madison and those who are publicly involved with those issues, news or events. Nothing on this blog is intended to be taken seriously, as it is, quite frankly, pure madness.

I realized today that I have no contact information on the blog. If you would like to contact me about something contained here, please email me at puremadnesson@yahoo.com.

Please remember that it's not my intention to be taken seriously or to offend anyone.

Leaders of the Chamber of Commerce, Smart Growth Madison, Wisconsin Realtors Association, Madison Area Apartment Association, Tavern League, Wisconsin Restauran Association, Madison Area Builders Association and Common Sense Coalition filed paperwork today to begin the annexation of a large piece of unincorporated land just outside of Madison under the name of The Business Community. Downtown Madison Incorporated is considering joining the conglomerate, as well. Asked about plans for the land, Ray Allen of the Common Sense Coalition stated, "The Business Community needs a place of our own where we make the rules. Madison has become too unfriendly to us."

Plans submitted with the initial paperwork include a 50 square mile gated community consisting of a mix of commercial and residential development. The proposed governing structure is completely devoid of regulations. Local governance includes an appointed Board of Directors to manage contracts for snow plowing, policing and other basic services. All such services will be privatized. Jennifer Alexander of the Chamber of Commerce will serve as the Chairwoman of the Board for The Business Community and plans to appoint additional board members as soon as the annexation is complete.

Asked about the annexation, Alexander immediately corrects, "It's more of a corporate takeover than an annexation. Government should be run like a business for the businesses." According to Alexander, large and small businesses may move to The Business Community as long as they pay the $1 million initial move-in fee. Businesses will not be taxed but will pay a fee for services used. Alexander explains, "In the interest of fairness, fees will be based on actual usage. If I generate 4 bags of garbage this week, I am billed for pick-up of 4 bags of garbage. The streets will be privately owned, so I will own the segment of street in front of my home. I can hire someone to plow my section or pay a fee to The Business Community to have their contractors do the plowing." Private security will be hired to police the community, and community members will be charged on a per call basis for policing. The Business Community will also contract with a privately owned company for fire protection, ambulance service and other such needs.

Judy Compton, currently an eastside Madison alderwoman, plans to make the move. "I'm thrilled that businesses will finally have a place to really flourish," said Compton. "I'm sick and tired of all these silly laws stifling economic development." Alderpeople Jed Sanborn, Cindy Thomas, Zach Brandon, Paul Skidmore, and Santiago Rosas will all be leaving their Madison posts to make the move too. Sanborn expressed great pleasure with the opportunity to "finally live in a place where the free market can work without interference." Thomas says that she is just thrilled to finally move into a gated community where she doesn't have to worry about crime anymore. "The gates and the move-in fee will keep the criminals out to begin with, and I can buy as much police protection as I want," said Thomas.

Alderwoman Lauren Cnare, a business owner herself, is unsure whether she will make the move. "My business is quite small, and I'm not sure I can swing the move-in fee. Zach (Brandon) is pressuring me to make the move, but the mayor thinks I should stay here. It's quite a dilemna for me." Alderman Larry Palm also expresses interest in following Brandon but has concerns about the cost, as well.

Six of the seven alderpeople who are part of the local political party, Progressive Dane, find the annexation "laughable" according to Alderwoman Brenda Konkel. One Progressive Dane Alderman, Mike Verveer, says that he is "intrigued" by the idea, though.

Although the annexation is not yet finalized, the group has already begun distributing brochures to prospective residents. According to the literature, The Business Community will provide "a regulation-free atmosphere where business can flourish without the interference of local government; a fee-for-service model without heavy taxation; the best private schools; a business environment based solely on the spirit of free market competition; complete safety and security of a gated community; and a community of like minded individuals" among a host of other promises.

The Transit and Parking Commission approved a plan to add parking and bike lanes to the Beltline Highway in 2006. Construction on the new lanes will begin in the spring, pending final approval from the City Council.

Alderwoman Robbie Webber is certain the proposal will pass through the Council without a hitch and is thrilled about the bike lanes. "After all these years of envying the drivers out there on the highway, I will finally be welcome on my bike." Webber isn't so thrilled about the parking but explains that it is just part of the bargain to get the desperately needed bike lanes.

Alderman Ken Golden is also pleased. Golden is "happy any time we can reach a good compromise." He also likes the idea of bike lanes on the Beltline and says the short term parking spaces will help the businesses located along the frontage road. Golden also hopes to eventually add park-and-ride lots at each on-ramp to encourage the use of public tranportation. He explains, "Commuters from the outlying areas could drive to the Beltline without ever really entering the city. They park their cars there and either hop on their bikes or on a bus to get downtown."

Some commuters are worried about traffic, especially during construction, but others share Webber's excitement about finally getting to ride a bike on the most direct route across town. Bicycle advocate and sprawl reduction proponent, Mike Barrett, says that he is happy the bike lanes and parking will eliminate one full lane of traffic. "It will be harder for people to get on and off the Beltline too, as they have to dodge us bikies. TAKE THAT Sprawlsville!"

According to members of the West Beltline Business Association, this plan has been in the works for years. They are hopeful that the Beltline parking and bicycle access to their busineses will increase profits. The group issued a press release today simply stating, "TAKE THAT Downtown!" referring to hard feelings over downtown getting much more attention and money than the rest of Madison over the last several years.

Tonight's Madison City Council meeting was delayed for about an hour as police tried to subdue a masked man who streaked through the room totally naked. At this time, the man's motive is unknown. According to Madison Police Department spokesman Mike Hanson, "Though his intentions remain unclear, based on his chosen venue it appears he was trying to make some sort of political statement."

Mayor Cieslewicz described the scene as utter mayhem. The man entered the Council chambers wearing nothing but a Zach Brandon mask. He ran in circles around the room shouting, "Size doesn't matter!" The Mayor declined to comment on whether he thought the size comment had anything to do with Alderman Brandon or on the size of the streaker himself.

Alderwoman Cindy Thomas reacted, "Wow, at first I thought it really was Alder Brandon streaking through the room. I guess I was pretty disappointed that it wasn't really him. I mean, I've always been curious." Meanwhile, Alderwoman Judy Compton simply called the event "a bit frightening" and said she'd "never seen anything quite like it before."

Police eventually subdued the man through the use of a taser. Officers tried to avoid using such force but just couldn't get a grip on him any other way. Hanson explains, "Getting a hold of a naked individual just isn't that easy." Former Alderman Andy Heidt, present at the meeting to testify on Inclusionary Zoning, is asking for a formal investigation to determine if the use of a taser was really necessary. While serving on the City Council, Heidt had introduced legislation forbidding taser usage.

The masked streaker has been identified as Phil Salkin, lobbyist for the Wisconsin Realtors Association, who was arrested and released earlier this week for criminal damage to property after tagging IZ homes with red spray paint. Though he carried no identification while streaking the meeting, the red paint on his hands helped officers ascertain his true identity.

It is unknown why Salkin chose a Zach Brandon mask. He also has not explained his comments about size, but pressure over changes to and possible repeal of the Inclusionary Zoning ordinance lead some to predict he was referring to the size of IZ units and not Zach Brandon's unit.

Madison police have arrested Phil Salkin, lobbyist for the Wisconsin Realtors Association, and are charging him with 52 counts of criminal damage to property after he went on a weekend grafitti spree. Officer Mike Hanson of the Madison Police Department said officers spent most of Sunday hot on the trail of the grafitti artist.

According to Hanson, "The department's first clue was the fact that all of the buildings tagged were homes built under Madison's Inclusionary Zoning Ordinance. Salkin used red spray paint to create unflattering pictures of Mayor Cieslewicz and various City Council members on the side of each building. We suspected the tagger might have been a developer who was unhappy with having to create affordable housing." The real clue came a little later, though, when Salkin was pulled over for speeding near the new Hilldale Row development. Police noticed red paint all over his clothing, and the back of his SUV was stacked floor to ceiling with empty spray paint cans.

Salkin was arrested late Sunday and released on $2000 bond on Monday. He may not have possession of spray paint or enter a hardware store that sells paint as conditions of his release. Asked why he did it, Salkin answered, "I figured that if I could make the Inclusionary Zoning units unsellable, maybe the ordinance repeal would pass. I was also making a statement with my artistic portrayals of the Mayor and others. It's what the kids these days call 'Civil Disobedience.'"

Rick Petri, a fellow lobbyist who will serve as Salkin's attorney in this matter, said that Salkin will likely enter a guilty by reason of insanity plea. According to Petri, "The pressure has been too much on Phil. Jed Sanborn proposed repeal of IZ and Phil got all excited. Then the mayor and Brenda Konkel announced proposed ordinance improvements, and 2 of Jed's cosponsors pulled their names off repeal. It's been quite a rollercoaster ride, and Phil appears to have just cracked under the pressure." It is unlikely that Salkin will serve any jail time, as he has no previous record. Petri suggests that he will ask for a sentence of community service with an affordable housing program and ongoing mental health treatment.

While charges are pending, Salkin will continue his work for the Wisconsin Realtors Association. He plans to attend the Common Council meeting tomorrow to speak at the public hearing on Inclusionary Zoning. Salkin claims he is not embarrassed by his own actions and will have no problem speaking in front of the mayor and the alderpeople who he mocked in his portraits. "It's really an issue of free expression," he adds.

Ira Sharenow gained infamy in Madison after sending hundreds upon hundreds of emails to City Council members regarding the contentious, all-inclusive, workplace smoking ban. Sharenow has been one of Madison's most outspoken advocates of smoke free public places since his days as a student helping to pass a school-wide smoking ban at the University of Wisconsin. In an interview, he reveals the truth behind his hatred of cigarette smoke.

Pure Madness: Let's start from the beginning. When did you realize that you hated cigarette smoke?

Ira Sharenow: I've hated smoke since before I was born. My mother smoked when she was pregnant. You see, no one knew the danger back then. There was no Surgeon General's warning on the side of cigarette boxes about the risk of low birth weight associated with smoking while pregnant. I have always blamed that cigarette smoke for the fact that I'm a bit on the scrawny side.

P.M.: Have you ever tried a cigarette? Even just once?

Ira: There was a lot of peer pressure when I was a kid. I grew up in an area where most kids began smoking by the time they were 13. In eighth grade, some kids were hanging out on the playground smoking. I wasn't very cool back then, so I thought that if I smoked, they would like me. I lit a cigarette and immediately began coughing and gagging. Honestly, I was horrified. The other kids all laughed at me. They started to pick on me relentlessly, pretending to cough every time I'd come around and chanting, "Ira Sharenow, I'm a Square now." I vowed revenge. Someday, those kids would be addicted smokers, and I would get them back somehow.

P.M.: When did you actually decide to begin your fight for smokefree public places?

Ira: Well, I plotted my revenge for years. My hatred of smokers deepened in high school. I didn't fit in with the cool kids, so I thought I'd try out for the school play. I really thought the drama kids would like me, but I was wrong. Even the thespians smoked. The play I tried out for was actually a musical, Grease. I desperately wanted the lead role, but the drama teacher said my voice wasn't raspy enough. Needless to say, the part went to a smoker with that scratchy voice that smoking too many cigarettes gives you. If I didn't hate cigarettes before, I sure did hate them then. I felt like there was nothing I could, so I planned and plotted until I got into college in Madison.

P.M.: What made you decide the University was the place to begin?

Ira: I had a professor in the math department who always smoked in his office. It was terrible for me. Every time I smelled his cigarettes, I was reminded of the agony of my own inability to smoke properly. I knew I could never be cool as long as everyone else could smoke and I couldn't do it. Then one day, that professor gave me a failing grade on a test. I went to speak to him in his office, and he offered me a cigarette. I felt obligated, so I lit it. As before, I broke out in a coughing fit. I was gagging so hard that I couldn't even talk to him about my grade. I felt like a fool and ran out of his office crying. That's when I knew I had to get smoking banned at the University.

P.M.: But you went on with your fight even after you'd won at the University of Wisconsin. Why did you decide to work for a citywide smoking ban?

Ira: I figured the only way I'd ever be accepted by my peers was if I could be just like them. If everyone's doing it, but I can't do it, I could never be part of the in-crowd. Instead of making myself like the in-crowd, I decided that I had to make the in-crowd more like me. I never really went to the bars before, because I felt awkward not smoking. Once the ban was passed, I could start going to the bars and not be marked as the non-smoking outcast. Of course, it was also the ultimate revenge. All of those smoking addicts who couldn't accept me because I couldn't do things on their terms now had to do things on my terms. It is really quite a power rush.

P.M.: So your entire fight has been about revenge?

Ira: Most of it. Of course, I'm happy that maybe less people will get cancer, too. But mostly, I'm just thrilled that those kids who were so mean to me will never again be allowed to smoke in the bars. I really showed them who has got the power now.

On the heels of news that Madison-Kipp, a long time manufacturing facility on Madison's east side, is eyeing a new site in Sun Prairie, the Environmental Protection Agency released a study of emissions from the smokestacks neighborhood residents have complained about for years. The results shocked some residents of the area.

Residents of the east side neighborhood near Kipp have known for years that emissions from the plant include dangerous chemicals, exhaust, and toxins. None of this comes as a surprise to the plant's neighbors who have complained about toxic fumes for years. The big surprise, according to the report, is the finding of "intoxicatingly high levels of marijuana smoke pouring from the plant's smokestacks."

Company officials have appealed to the EPA to complete a new test, complaining that the report is wrong. Kipp's neighbors expressed surprise when the report was revealed at a recent Schenk Atwood Neighborhood Association meeting but also believe the report explains a lot. One resident ascertains that the marijuana smoke is probably responsible for the peaceful atmosphere for which the near east side of Madison is known saying, "It's like one big Grateful Dead concert. We're all high and getting along, you know." Another area resident now blames Kipp for her late night eating habit. "I get the munchies really late every night, and now I know why. The pot smoke coming out of Kipp probably keeps Glass Nickel in business."

Members of Clean Air Madison are outraged. A spokesperson for the group adds, "Kipp is right near Lowell Elementary School. If our kids are high, they can't possibly learn." Alderwoman Judy Olson echoed these concerns stating, "My first thought was that this isn't such a bad thing. I mean, who doesn't like a little contact high every now and then? But we have to think beyond ourselves and remember the children. Remember the commercials: 'This is your brain on drugs.'"

Sun Prairie officials are concerned, too, as Kipp prepares for its expansion there, but Mayor Joe Chase assures residents, "We aren't like those crazy liberals in Madison. Kipp won't get away with puffing out its illegal drugs here." He promises to dispatch the entire Sun Prairie Police Department to Kipp at the first hint of impropriety.

Madison-Kipp issued a brief statement early this morning calling the situation regrettable. The statement reads, "We are appealing the EPA's findings, as all marijuana smoking at the plant is restricted to well ventilated executive offices and should not impact plant emissions. We stand firmly by our record of releasing nothing but deadly toxins into the air around our plants."

The sky really isn't falling in Madison or at least not as much as projected by a Northstar study released yesterday for the Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce. Alderman Austin King questioned the study's core data.

The group claimed the sky over Madison had already fallen at least 11 feet in recent years and predicted a complete plummet to the ground if the sick leave ordinance passes. After reviewing the study, King explained, "That just doesn't add up. The sky has hovered only a few feet above the city's tallest buildings for as long as I can remember. Recently, the city has approved development of numerous tall buildings that couldn't possibly be built if the sky really had fallen that far."

King was right that the numbers just don't add up. Dennis Winters, vice president of Northstar, admits a fatal error. The sky to ground ratio was measured in inches, but a researcher mistook the measurements as done in feet. "It's really quite embarassing, but Northstar stands behind its research." We shall correct the study and show that the sky has indeed fallen 11 inches."

Other researchers question the methodology and other data behind the study. Laura Dresser of the Center for Wisconsin Strategy explains, "Northstar did not actually go out and measure the position of the sky relative to the ground at various intervals. Instead, researchers surveyed Chamber of Commerce members, asking them to estimate the distance of the sky's descent at specific points in time." Dresser also points out that even if the total amount of sky fall could be proven, Northstar takes a leap of faith in connecting the mysterious declines to specific events.

Why wasn't this caught by either the Chamber of Commerce or Northstar prior to the study's release? Chamber president Jennifer Alexander blames it on the nortoriously unlucky Friday the 13th. "I should have known better than to release a study before such a cursed day. Dumb luck has made us look a bit foolish." Alexander goes on to say that she should have called off yesterday's press conference immediately when a small black cat crossed her path outside the Avenue Bar.

Chamber member, Dan Guerra, who spoke at the press conference agrees. "It is more than just Friday the 13th and a black cat. On my way to the Avenue for the event, I accidentally walked under a ladder. It was definitely a sign," shares Guerra. The staff at Northstar agree. Winters adds, "I urged the Chamber to wait until after the 13th to release the study. I told Jennifer that something would happen on the 13th, as I'm a little superstitious that way."


The Chamber released an official statement today blaming Friday the 13th and other supernatureal events for the demise of the study. Meanwhile, the average Madisonian will be relieved to know that no matter what the Chamber of Commerce may claim, there is no verifiable scientific evidence that the sky is crashing down on the city.

At a press conference this morning, Jennifer Alexander of the Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce announced that the sky really is descending upon Madison. The group shared the results of a study it commissioned through Northstar, a local research firm.

Northstar completed intensive research of the sky-to-ground ratio beginning before the passage of Madison's minimum wage ordinance. After the Minimum Wage ordinance passed, the sky moved a full 2 feet downward. The sky descended another 2 feet immediately after the City Council passed the Inclusionary Zoning ordinance requiring developers to include some affordable housing in all new developments. Northstar reports that the city's Big Box ordinance, placing restrictions on the development of certain commercial properties caused only a 1 foot change in sky level. According to the study, "This variance likely occurred because the Big Box ordinance does not effectively accomplish its goal. Had it passed in its original form, we would have seen a more significant dip in the sky to ground ratio."

The study found that Madison's Smoking Ban initially resulted in the sky falling 2 feet with an additional 1 foot decline immediately after each of 2 failed repeals. When Alderwoman Brenda Konkel filed a series of lobbying complaints, resulting in increased enforcement of the city's Lobbying regulations, the sky came another 2 feet closer to Madison. Chamber of Commerce member, Dan Guerra, points out the cumulative effect of such regulations, "The sky has fallen at least 11 feet in a period of just a few years. At this rate, we will all be crushed as flat as pancakes by the end of 2006."

The study provided some reassurance for Madisonians who fear a piece of the sky landing in their soup. "The effect is reversible. Complete deregulation of business in the city would insure that the sky will never descend upon the good people of our city." When the state passed its own Minimum Wage bill, raising the wage while preempting Madison's ordinance, the sky crept back upward 1 foot. Madisonians got another 2 feet of relief when the City Council passed a watered down and ineffective new lobbying ordinance.

The release of this research comes as the City of Madison considers passing a Sick Leave ordinance that would guarantee paid sick leave for all employees in the city. Northstar's research predicts that passage of this law could send the sky plummeting. Alexander shares, "The data indicates that the Sick Leave Ordinance will negate the scientific forces that keep the sky up in the air. The Mayor and Common Council must oppose this ordinance to protect us from the crushing effects of the sky hitting the ground."

Alderman Austin King, a proponent of the Sick Leave ordinance, doesn't buy it. "Take a look around and you will see that the sky is firmly in place and not going anywhere. It's not moving to Middleton or Fitchburg or Monona, and it's not falling down upon the city."

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz has officially resigned his post as Madison's mayor, as he has accepted a job with PBS. Cieslewicz will be hosting the acclaimed children's television show, Mister Rogers Neighborhood. Public television officials say they are thrilled that Cieslewicz has accepted their job offer.

PBS has been recruiting Cieslewicz ever since the death of Fred Rogers in 2003. Cieslewicz says he was initially hesitant to leave Madison, but his love of trolleys finally won out. He has been an avid fan of trolley cars since childhood. "I have never been able to get enough of those shiny red trolley cars. I see one and my pulse starts racing." As mayor, Cieslewicz has come to realize that his dream of trolleys in Madison may never take shape. "As Mister Rogers, I will get to play with trolley cars every single day."

Cieslewicz will maintain the name, Mr. Rogers, as "it would be just plain silly to expect kids to pronounce Cieslewicz." He did give some consideration to Mr. C, though. In his new role, the mayor will continue Mister Rogers routine of changing his shoes at the start of the show (left foot first, of course). The Mayor's staff chipped in to buy him a year's supply of Odor Eaters as a parting gift.

Asked if he will make substantive changes to the show, Cieslewicz claims, "I will make Mr. Rogers neighborhood the most progressive neighborhood in TV land."

In other news from PBS, the station has also announced plans to recruit Aldermen Larry Palm and Zach Brandon to play the rolse of Bert and Ernie on its new "no more Muppets" version of its popular Sesame Street series.

In a press release issued today, Madison Alderman Zach Brandon shocked the city with his plans to introduce an Exclusionary Zoning ordinance at the next Common Council meeting. Alder Brandon cited concerns from his constituents that "their swanky neighborhoods are being threatened by ghetto expansion" as motivation for this move.

Few details are available about the proposed ordinance. Brandon explained the basic concept at a press conference this morning. "It's like the total opposite of Inclusionary Zoning, and would only apply to areas on the periphery of the city. Any new housing built beyond a certain radius of downtown must be affordable only to those making at least 110% of the County Median Income."

Mayoral spokesperson, George Twigg, says that the mayor is surprised by the proposal but will give it fair consideration. According to Twigg, "Conceptually, Mayor Cieslewicz opposes this proposal, but he will consider supporting it, as it could be viewed as good for business. The Mayor understands the importance of shedding Madison's anti-business image."

Brandon believes that this is the first step to insuring that the wealthy in Madison can live without the discomfort of seeing poor people on a daily basis. He plans to come forth later this year with a whole package of proposals with this goal in mind and claims, "None of them will cost the taxpayers of this city a single dime!"

Madison Alderman Jed Sanborn has officially joined Progressive Dane, the Democratic Party and the Green Party. His Common Council colleagues are baffled by the move, as Sanborn has proven to be one of the city's most conservative elected officials.

Fellow conservative, Alderwoman Cindy Thomas, said she is disappointed to be losing Sanborn to those on the left. "But it's inevitable," she says. "The smart ones always move to the left." She and others on the Council never thought Jed would make the move, though.

Asked to explain his actions, Sanborn claims that the move isn't really about ideology. "It's really about seating position." Seating position? "Yes, I really am sick of sitting on the end of the row at Council meetings. I figure that if I try hard enough, I can move to the left of Brenda." Sanborn, who represents District 1, currently sits immediately to the right of District 2 Alderwoman Brenda Konkel who is thought of as one of the city's most progressive alders.

Sanborn says he will do whatever it takes to jockey for a new seating position. "I realize I may jeopardize the support I have received from the special interest and business groups, but it will be worth it not to have to move every single time someone has to get out to pee." Sanborn also realizes that moving only one seat will not fully minimize his inconvenience. "Eventually, I'll join the Common Sense Coalition and get the seat right in the middle."

In an unprecedented move today, Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce president, Jennifer Alexander, announced that she will no longer take advantage of the sick leave benefits offered to her by the Chamber. She is urging others to do the same.

Alexander explains that she is doing this in response to a proposal by Alderman Austin King to provide paid sick leave for all employees in the City of Madison. "Alder King has proposed a solution where there is no problem," said Alexander. "I've set out to prove that this proposal isn't necessary by organizing a sick leave boycott."

A memo to all Chamber of Commerce members explains:

The Chamber wants to try a new approach to combatting legislation we don't like. Old fashioned lobbying of elected officials by paid hacks just isn't cutting it anymore, so we are moving to a grassroots model. To make this effort successful, we will need your help.

Earlier today, the Chamber's president stood on the steps of the City County Building with a megaphone in hand and announced that she is giving up her sick leave benefits. We ask that you join her in this groundbreaking boycott of paid sick leave. Only with your help can we show Madison's Common Council that paid sick leave just isn't necessary.

This is just the first in a series of planned boycotts, rallies, and sit-ins. Please consider joining the boycott, and watch for more details about our upcoming "Hell No! We won't stay home!" sick-in at the Mayor's office planned for next week.

Jim Pugh of Wisconsin Manufacturers and Commerce is intrigued by Alexander's boycott. He claims that on a statewide level, WMC has very effectively used paid lobbyists and applied pressure through campaign contributions to pass desirable legislation. "But Madison is different," he says, "So I commend Alexander's outside-the-big-box thinking on this. Her boycott might just be what it takes to prove to Madison's Mayor and City Council that workers just don't need paid sick leave."

Alder Austin King was shocked when he arrived at City Hall for a committee meeting to see a "somewhat frazzled looking" Alexander shouting into her megaphone. "It was almost surreal," he explains. "I looked up to see if the sky was falling!" King claims that the boycott is just silly and points out that Alexander "doesn't have what it takes to be a REAL hippie."

Alexander predicts that many of the "Hippie turned Yuppie" members of the Chamber will be excited to get back to their grassroots while still protecting their financial interests. Asked how far the Chamber is willing to take the fight, Alexander responded, "We're starting with a boycott and have already planned a sick-in at Mayor Cieslewicz's office. We're willing to get arrested if necessary, and we'll use the money we save on lobbyists to hire the best lawyers to defend us."