Pure Madnesson

Early this afternoon, the Union Cab dispatcher received a call that one of the company's cabs had been hijacked. The dispatcher quickly decided not to phone police when he was told that the hijacker was Madison's mayor.

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz had called the cab from the City County building around 1:00 pm. When it arrived, the mayor hopped into the front seat and began singing "2-4-2-2-0-0-0-Union-Cab" over and over again. When the driver asked the mayor for a destination, Cieslewicz continued singing the jingle. Finally, the driver told Cieslewicz he would need to get out of the vehicle. At that point, the mayor pulled out what resembled a real gun and told the driver to get out, then slid over to the driver's seat and stole the taxi.

It appears the mayor had no destination in mind and was just out for a joy ride, as he drove in circles around the city at a high rate of speed singing the Union Cab jingle loudly out the open windows. The joy ride finally came to an end when Cieslewicz entered the Beltline at John Nolen Drive and immediately had a panic attack. He pulled over to the side of the road and called 911 from a cell phone. Cieslewicz was transported to the University Hospital where he was treated and released.

A representative from Union Cab says that the company opted not to press charges. The Madison Police Department also does not plan to charge Cieslewicz with any crime. Alcohol and drugs are not believed to be a factor. The mayor's office declined comment on the incident but did issue a brief statement saying that Cieslewicz has been under a great deal of stress lately and is being treated for related symptoms.

Earlier this week, the City of Madison added a survey to its website asking residents to share their preferences for pizza toppings. Touting the success of recent online surveys done by the Economic Development Commission regarding paid sick leave and a similar survey on traffic done by the Madison Police Department, mayoral spokesman George Twigg explains, "We need to know more about what is important to Madison residents. Knowing what our citizens put on their pizzas will give us critical insight to help us run the city more effectively."

The survey is available through a link on the City of Madison website. Those completing the survey will answer a whole series of questions about their preferences for type of crust, amount of sauceand cheese, and topping combinations. Twigg says that the city is not yet sure what will be done with the information, but he is certain it will be useful in future decision making.

Asked what survey might come next, Twigg answers, "We have not decided that yet. Someone has suggested that we need to get our finger on the pulse of automobile color selection, but currently we're just taking it one survey at a time. The mayor is just proud that the Madison is using technology to connect residents to city government."

Local developer Erik Minton announced that he plans to leave Madison and move to Costa Rica. According to Minton, he isn't being chased away by recent difficulties he's had getting a development approved in dowtown Madison. Instead, he is moving to Costa Rica to spend the rest of his life with his new love, Butch.

Minton met Butch on a recent trip to Costa Rica, where a barefoot Butch served frozen drinks with little umbrellas in them to Minton and his wife. According to Minton, it was love at first sight with Butch. Minton describes his new love as "bald, tattooed, pierced and beautiful." He continues, "Butch reminds me of my first true love, Bruno, who modeled for a photo shoot when I ran for City Council. Bruno left me when he found out I used his picture against my opponent in the election. I never thought I'd meet someone like him again."

Minton will leave his wife and son behind in Madison when he makes the move to Costa Rica later this month. She says that she will go back to her homeland once the divorce is final. "We will be okay," she adds, "As long as I have my fifty percent of Erik's assets, but I'll leave that to my attorney."

A Wisconsin State Journal writer has been charged with two counts of substantial battery stemming from a bar time fight earlier this month. Susan Lampert Smith allegedly attacked two bar patrons in a drunken rage after a wild night of partying at the Club Majestic. Lampert Smith had been at the club to attend a new age music show. These shows have been controversial, as poorer residents downtown complain of the violence and disturbances that tend to occur when the crowd of nearly all white wealthy condo dwellers pours into the street at bar time.

The police do not have much information about what occurred that night because witnesses have been hesitant to speak out against one of their own. According to the Madison Police Chief Noble Wray, "The crowds that these new age shows attract are dangerous. There's something about this music that seems to bring crazy rich white folks. It's not a racial issue, though, as it's only the crazy rich ones who listen to this new age music that seem to be the problem." One witness, who prefers to remain anonymous because he fears retaliation, describes Lampert Smith as "this totally out of control white woman all drunk and crazy from listening to the new age music." He claims that Lampert Smith left the Majestic, went to her "pimped out Cadillac" for a moment, and returned wielding a metal pipe of some sort.

It is unclear what started the fight, though police are investigating reports that it may be gang related. Both victims are members of the downtown caucasian gang that goes simply by CNI. Though Lampert Smith has no known affilliation with CNI's primary rival, DMI, she is a member of the WSJ street gang that is known to have close ties to DMI.

Police are also trying to locate Fred Mohs and Ledell Zellers, both leaders of the CNI gang, for questioning. Neither is considered a suspect, though video surveillance outside Club Majestic leads police to believe the pair may have been involved in the fight. Police warn that the two may be dangerous, so members of the public are urged to avoid personal contact with these individuals.

The community around King Street is outraged by the incidents. Residents of downtown homeless shelters are concerned for their safety. Families staying at the Salvation Army's homeless shelter are arranging a meeting to discuss the problems. According to one of the group's organizers, "We are concerned about alcohol use and violence in our neighborhood. The Majestic has chosen to have these new age shows that cater to a violent crowd. It's not about race or income or creed; it's about the violent individuals within one group. A few bad apples are spoiling it for everyone. If the music is the problem, though, we will have to change it."

Club Majestic has already increased security and has banned over 100 patrons, primarily nearby condo dwellers, for inappropriate behavior during the new age shows. Majestic owner Nick Schiavo claims that he cannot control what happens on the street. "We have metal detectors and security in place in the club, and we don't have problems inside. Mohs and Zellers had already been banned due to their known CNI gang affilliation, and now I hear they may be involved in this incident. I can't keep them from coming up the street."

Early Friday morning, police responded to a burglar alarm at the Maduro Cigar Bar in downtown Madison. Police spokesman, Mike Hanson, says that the alarm came in just after 4:00 a.m. Officers responded to find the front window smashed. No money or cigars were taken, but the burglar had made off with the Maduro's infamous comfy couch and several bottles of high-end scotch.

Hanson states that officers on the scene found bicycle tracks in the snow leading away from the Maduro toward the west. Officers were able to follow the tracks to Madison's near westside where the trail of snow and wet tire marks cut off.

Witnesses observed the burgling bicyclist riding away from the building and across campus, pulling a bike trailer with the couch on board. Police were able to obtain a description of the suspect. She is described as a white female, around 40 years old with reddish brown curly hair and muscular bicyclist legs. One witness told police that he is certain he's seen the suspect on City Channel 12 in the past.

Police are reviewing tapes of various city meetings that have on Channel 12, looking for someone who matches the description. Hanson explains that this may take some time. "We have assigned two officers to this task, but due to the unexciting nature of the content on the tapes, they keep falling asleep on the job."

Police have released the following sketch of the suspect:
The Madison Police Department urges anyone who recognizes the suspect or has further information about the crime to contact Madison Area Crime Stoppers at 266-6014. If you see the suspect, please call 911 immediately, as she is thought to be armed and dangerous.

If Madison Alderman Mike Verveer has his way, the city could have its very first hash bar in the near future. Verveer has proposed an amendment to Madison's wide sweeping smoking ban that currently bans smoking in nearly all workplaces, including all bars and restaurants. The current ordinance also does not allow chewing tobacco in such establishments.

Verveer's proposed changes include allowing bar patrons to chew tobacco and also offerring a special "hash bar" license to former cigar bars. An exemption to allow tobacco smoking in cigar bars failed last year. Verveer believes the "hash option may be more palatable to those concerned with the effects of second hand tobacco smoke." Though hash is officially an illegal drug, Verveer and the amendment's cosponsors believe that Madison could make it legal only in defined venues through this ordinance.

To receive a license as a hash bar, an establishment must provide documentation that prior to the smoking ban, at least 10% of its total sales came from tobacco products. Once the ordinance is in place, these bars would need to prove 10% total sales from hash on an annual basis to maintain the license. Verveer says this proposal would "save one small business in my downtown district," adding that, "We owe this to the Maduro."

Alderman Jed Sanborn has agreed to cosponsor this proposal, though he voted against the original cigar bar exemption because it created an unlevel playing field among Madison's taverns. Asked why he changed his mind, Sanborn explains, "The owner of the Maduro, Brian, will likely make future campaign contributions if I come through on this. I would never ask him to do so in exchange for my vote, but if someone sends me money because I do things they like, I certainly won't turn it down."

The proposed change regarding chewing tobacco, according to both Verveer and Sanborn, is simply a fix, as the product should never have been included in the ban in the first place. Most Alderpeople have not publicly taken positions on the hash bar proposal, but the change for smokeless tobacco seems to have widespread support. Even Alderwoman Robbie Webber supports it saying, "Mike put a specific provision in the proposal that chewers would have to swallow their residue, and spitting will not be allowed. I hate spit but could care less if people give themselves mouth cancer." A source close to Webber claims that the alderwoman once reached for her beer, accidentally grabbing a discarded spit-cup, and vomitted for 2 full days after the incident. Since then, she's been adamantly anti-spit.

Tobacco Free Dane County spokesman and former Madison Alderman Gary Poulsen, says the group is diametrically opposed to Verveer's proposal. According to Poulsen, "This is a slippery slope. First we allow chewing tobacco and hash, and before you know it people will be smoking crack in our taverns. After crack, we know that the next step will likely be the return of cigarettes to our bars. We can't afford to take this giant slide backwards."

Ashok Kumar earned his spot on the April ballot for County Board in District 5 by outdrinking all three of his opponents in yesterday's campus beer chugging competition held in place of a traditional primary election. Kumar drank almost double his next closest competitor, David Lapidus who will also appear on the April ballot.

As predicted, Sean Cornelius dropped out of the competition early. Adam Korn also could not keep up with what he called "the big dogs" and only made it through the first 3 hours of the competition before spending the rest of the day worshipping the porcelain god. Lapidus and Kumar drank tirelessly until about 1:00 p.m. when Lapidus showed his first signs of serious drunkeness, but Kumar still appeared unaffected. Despite slurring his words and falling out of his chair twice, Lapidus continued chugging a beer every fifteen minutes until 2:15 when he passed out.

Kumar continued drinking until the polls (and the Rathskeller) closed at 8:00 p.m. Memorial Union officials report that throughout the course of the day, the competitors polished off more than a full half barrel of beer. All four candidates drank Miller Light in hopes that light beer would be less filling and easier to consume in large quantities.

Kumar and Lapidus will compete again in April's general election. If both candidates agree, the race could be decided by another drinking contest. At this time, Kumar says he would like to do it again but suggests using shots of hard alcohol instead of beer. "I'm up for it," says Kumar. "I can drink him under the table anytime." Lapidus, who ended up spending the night in detox, says he will need some time to decide but will likely request a traditional election.

Only 3 votes were cast in today's primary election for Madison Metropolitan School District Board. Arlene Silveira was the winner with 2 votes, followed by Maya Cole who received one vote. According to Madison's Deputy City Clerk, Sharon Christensen, this is the lowest turnout ever for a school board primary.

Apparently, all 3 votes in this race were cast by the candidates themselves, as one vote was registered in each of the candidate's districts. Michael Kelly, who entered the race late and subsequently disappeared, said that he decided to vote for Silveira. Kelly explains, "It was a tough decision. I mean, I wanted to vote for myself but I just wasn't the best candidate. Arlene is way more qualified for the job."

Silveira was disappointed by the turnout but happy with the results. "The voters have spoken, and I won decisively. I expect similar results in April." Cole could not be reached for comment, but witnesses claim to have seen her outside of her election night party screaming at her husband, calling him a whiner, and telling him that his vote would have counted.

In the spirit of the UW Madison's time honored tradition of binge drinking, the scheduled Tuesday's primary election for District 5's Dane County Board representative has been cancelled in lieu of a beer drinking contest. The two top finishers in the contest will move on to the general election to represent the the campus area on the County Board. It has not yet been determined whether an actual election or another drinking contest will be held. That decision will be up to the two candidates who make it through tomorrow's challenge.

Ashok Kumar and David Lapidus are the favorites in the contest. Kumar has been preparing by doing beer bongs at his fraternity house, and Lapidus has been seen almost nightly at the downtown bar Madisons. Adam Korn has done a few trial runs against Kumar, but has been unable to keep up with Kumar's talent. The fourth candidate, Sean Cornelius, has not been seen drinking on campus at all in the months preceding the primary. The other three candidates all believe it likely that Cornelius will not show up at all on Tuesday.

The beer drinking contest will take place at the Rathskeller in Memorial Union and will begin promptly at 7:00 a.m. when the polls open throughout the rest of Madison. The candidates will each slam a 16 ounce beer every 15 minutes until 8:00 p.m. when the polls closed or until all four have passed out. If more than one is left standing at 8:00, the timeframe will revert to one beer every 15 seconds until a winner has been determined. Poll workers will be on hand to ensure the validity of the competition, and the top two finishers will advance to April's election.

In Sunday's Wisconsin State Journal, Editorial Page Editor Scott Milfred published the following editorial:

Progressive Left Helps Make City #1 for Business

Progressive Dane's best public policy proposal will always be the next one it hasn't dreamed up yet. It's the combination of numerous successful policy initiatives that make Madison so attractive to businesspeople and residents alike.

The grassroots political party Progressive Dane continues to successfully pass progressive policy initiatives that level the playing field for small businesses, protect even the most vulnerable Madisonians, and push the envelope for change on a state or national level. Some like to focus on the finer points of Progressive Dane's individual proposals. But it's the big-picture combination of policies that continues to drive economic development in a positive direction while ensuring worker rights, public health, and social justice.

People used to criticize Madison for not being able to get things done. Now people are impressed by the actions of the City Council as Progressive Dane's grassroots efforts have brought people together to find solutions.

In just the last year, the progressive grassroots activists, mostly but not exclusively tied to Progressive Dane, have:

• Passed a "Big Box" law to protect local retailers and to ensure that the city follows better land use practices.
• Passed and tried to keep in place a minimum wage that is actually a living wage so that Madison's workforce can actually afford to live in the city. This ordinance pushed the state to follow suit with a minimum wage increase of its own.
• Supported a smoke-free workplace ordinance that protects public health and the health of Madison's workforce, which has not hurt tavern business overall as businesses are applying for more liquor licenses than ever.
• Tried to protect the public's right to know who is being paid to influence local governmental decisions by insisting on enforcement of Madison's lobbying ordinance.
• Passed and are fighting to protect the Inclusionary Zoning ordinance that requires some affordable, moderate-income housing in all new developments. Such dispersion of affordable housing is good for our schools, our community, and our workforce.
• Unveiled a sick leave ordinance that would require the few employers in Madison who currently force workers to work while sick to provide a minimal amount of paid sick leave, protecting the health of our families, our children, and the public.

Go ahead and debate specific items that you may not like. That's not the point. The point is that -through these initiatives and other actions such as insisting on an economic development plan for the city- Progressive Dane is making Madison a great place to live, play, and work.

Numerous publications have called the Madison area great for entrepeneurs and creative workers. Our world class university and related technology firms are just one part of that. The efforts of Progressive Dane and others also contribute to Madison's top notch economy and low unemployment rates.

Progressive Dane has also put forth a package of small business initiatives to further promote economic development. Their efforts in keeping transportation affordable, promoting public transportation, and increasing quality of child care and other community services are all a major part of economic development. We must recognize that businesses will only locate in Madison as long as their workers can afford to live in the city.

The economy in Madison's suburbs has been growing, as well, largely because Madison is running out of space to physically expand. Businesses needing more land but valuing what Madison has to offer may choose to locate in the suburbs where issues of sprawl have not been addressed yet. The economy of the region mirrors that of its strongest asset: Madison.

Madison's progressives have shown they care about the city and its economy. They care enough that when Congress or the State Legislature refuse to act, Madison's leaders come through to ensure the quality of life within the city. We can't control the state and federal bodies of government, but we can make Madison an example for the rest of the country.

The Chamber of Commerce continues to fight for the big business special interests in its midst, ignoring the desires of its smaller members. Their whining is making it harder and harder for Progressive Dane and the city's left to do what it needs to do to make Madison the thriving city we all desire.

Madison Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, to some degree, seems to listen to the Chamber of Commerce and others on the far right. Hopefully, he will see his mistake and continue to support the progressive voice in Madison, and hopefully, voters in future elections will too.

If you tried to reach any of Madison's city offices by email or phone on Friday afternoon, chances are you didn't get through. Shortly before noon on Friday, the city's entire phone system went down, followed by the crash of the city's email system less than half an hour later.

Information Technology Director Richard Grasmick says the systems shut down after the streets department was flooded with calls and emails from angry residents all complaining that their street was plowed last. Grasmick explains that the city has never received such a high volume of calls and emails all at one time.

The streets department issued the following statement:

Late Friday morning, the department began receiving numerous phone calls and email from angry residents. Each claimed his or her street was the very last to be plowed after Thursday's snowstorm. The city ensures that main arteries are plowed first and then begins plowing residential streets.

Because of the numerous complaints received on Friday, the city's entire phone and email systems crashed. We ask that residents use the new on-line reporting system to file complaints about plowing.

Frankly, we are unsure which street was actually plowed last on Friday. Our engineers will begin a study immediately to find out what street gets plowed last in the city. We hope to cure the problem quickly and assure residents that the mystery of whose street is the last to be plowed will be solved in the very near future.

Madison's alderpeople also received calls from angry residents. According to east side Alderman Larry Palm, "This is something I heard a lot about when I was campaigning last spring. I assure residents of my district that I will try to find out which street actually got plowed last. That's the one campaign promise I intend to keep." West side Alderman Jed Sanborn also received many angry phone calls. Sanborn says the city needs to focus more on providing basic services. He states that a plowing study is not necessary, saying, "I know that MY street is the last one in the city to get plowed." Alderwoman Lauren Cnare received calls, as well, and plans to send out an email poll to her constituents asking them to vote on which street was actually plowed last.

Madison's information technology department and the phone company worked all afternoon to try to fix the email and phone systems. Work will continue through the weekend to get the systems working properly prior to the start of business on Monday. Residents are being asked to use the city's on-line form to report problems or concerns. All submissions will be forwarded to the appropriate department, and complaintants may expect a response within 90 days.

Shortly after 11:00 on Friday night, police responded to a home in the Monroe Street neighborhood after receiving numerous reports of a party causing excessive noise. Officers rang the bell, but the party hosts refused to open the door. Police then surrounded the house and waited for party-goers to exit.

Upon learning the home belonged to Mayor Dave Cieslewicz, officers attempted to make contact by phone. Officer Scott Favour said that a call to the home was answered by mayoral aide Enis Ragland with, "Dude! Can't hear you over the music! Go away Filthy McNasty!" Additional calls to the home went unanswered.

After about 15 minutes, people started exiting the home. Three were cited for driving while intoxicated upon getting in their cars to leave. Police officers stopped individuals leaving the party for questioning and found that the party was a birthday celebration for the mayor. Witnesses claim that the mayor's wife, Dianne Cieslewicz, sold cups for $5, and 25 empty half barrels of beer were found in the basement. According to the police report, more than 250 individuals participated in the celebration.

Dave and Dianne Cieslewicz were cited by the Madison Police Department for 250 counts of selling alcohol without a license with a penalty of over $15000 in fines. Ten guests were also cited for disorderly conduct. The mayor could not be reached for comment, as he was passed out on the bathroom floor.

Madison's bar czar, Joel Plant, did not attend the party. According to Plant, "I warned the mayor of the potential consequences of overconsumption. I guess he didn't heed my warning, but I think he'll be regretting it in the morning."

City alderman Paul Skidmore claims that his keg registration proposal could have "prevented such an abomination." Skidmore is certain that the mayor and his wife would not have purchased 25 kegs of beer if they had to register their name and address to do so. As a result of this party, Skidmore plans to reintroduce the failed keg registration ordinance at the next Common Council meeting.

Because of today's snowstorm, the City of Madison officially shut down at 8 a.m. Nothing happened. Activity throughout Madison will resume promptly at 7 a.m. tommorow.

Snow began blanketing Madison before 9:00 tonight, leaving road conditions slippery and dangerous. Around 9:30, the Madison Police Department was forced to close all lanes of the westbound Beltline due to a one-bicycle rollover accident.

According to Madison Police Department spokesman Mike Hanson, officers responded to reports of a bicyclist "flying through the air" after his bicycle rolled over three times. While the cause of the accident has not been definitively determined, Hanson states that excessive speed was a factor. Witnesses report that the bike was travelling well over the 55 mile per hour speed limit on the slippery highway.

Remarkably, the bicyclist survived the accident with only minor scratches and bruises, but her bike was destroyed. She was treated on the scene and refused to go to the hospital. She was ticketed for biking too fast for conditions and given a breathalyzer test. Hanson says that alcohol does not appear to be a factor. Her name has not yet been released, but witnesses claim she is Madison Alderwoman Robbie Webber. Webber could not be reached for comment.

Other cars, swerving to miss the bike, spun out of control and caused a chain reaction crash involving more than 30 vehicles that resulted in the Beltline closure. All lanes have been reopened, but police warn both bikers and drivers to use extra caution on slippery roads.

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz has officially declared February 15, 2006 "Backwards Day" in Madison. According to the mayor, "Everything will be turned upside-down and inside-out and backwards. It will be quite the exciting event!"

All eastbound lanes will run westbound and vice-versa. One way streets shall run the opposite way, and all vehicles must drive in reverse. Madison residents are urged to wear their clothing backwards in honor of the special day. Cars may use bike lanes, and bikes will take over the streets.

Elevators in all city owned buildings will be reprogrammed so the down buttons will take people up, and the up buttons will take people down. Restaurants will serve supper for breakfast and breakfast for supper. Lunch will stay the same since it's in the middle, but dessert will be served first. Businesses will open at closing time and close when it's time to open. Schools will hold last period first and first period last.

For one day only, Madisonians may smoke in the bars, but cigarettes will be prohibited outdoors. The minimum wage will be considered a maximum, no one being paid more than allowed. The homeless shall be housed, and the housed will sleep on the streets. The city will pay residents for the honor of collecting their garbage. All Madison Metro routes will be reversed for the day, and cars may park for free downtown. The police TEST team will patrol for those driving too slowly and ticket anyone driving under 75 mph.

On just this one day, Madison will be backwards. The mayor assures residents that the city shall continue moving forward again, beginning promptly at midnight on February 16th.

Alderman Zach Brandon announced today that he will close his Laudry 101 business and open a meditation center in its Gilman Street location. The new center will be named Meditation 101 and will provide basic meditation courses as well as daily meditation sessions. Brandon eventually hopes to open a second center, Meditation 201, that will provide advanced courses for those looking to make their meditation more meaningful.

Brandon has decided to make this bold move after reviewing various meditation options available to City of Madion employees as part of the city's Employee Assistance Program. He explains, "The market for laundromats is dwindling around campus as students seem to care less and less about their appearance. On the other hand, there's a huge market out there for meditation. I'm changing my business plan to keep up with the times."

At first, Brandon was critical of the money the city spends on meditation programs for its employees. "I thought this was just a bunch of voo-doo new-age hippie-chick garbage. Then I went to one of the meditation sessions to check it out myself. Since then, I've been hooked." Ever since trying it for the first time, Brandon has been attending weekly meditation sessions offered by the city. Brandon claims that meditating for the first time was just like losing his virginity. "I resisted it for years because I didn't think I'd be any good at it. I finally gave it a try, and now I just can't get enough." Brandon admits that he's still not very good at it but hopes to get better with practice.

Meditation 101 will open in late March. In addition to meditation classes, the center will offer a full-service organic juice bar.

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz accidentally shot a friend while on a weekend hunting trip up north on Sunday. The two were hunting crow in northern Wisconsin when the accident occurred.

Little information about the incident is available at this time. The mayor's office has issued the following brief statement:

Needless to say, Mayor Cieslewicz is upset about the incident that occurred this weekend. The mayor had a crow in his sight but lost control of his gun while pulling the trigger. The name of his hunting companion is not being released, but he is in stable condition at a local hospital.

Mayor Cieslewicz is an avid hunter, and grows a beard every year for deer hunting season. Those close to the mayor claim that Cieslewicz's gun slipped because he was very cold and was struck with a sudden chill. A friend of the mayor says the mayor is "simply sick about not having grown a beard again for this trip," as the extra warmth may have prevented the accident.

Smart Growth Madison's brand new Executive Director Carole Schaeffer has had her first run-in with the law over Inclusionary Zoning. Following in the footsteps of Wisconsin Realtor Association lobbyist Phil Salkin, Schaeffer was arrested earlier tonight after being implicated in an Inclusionary Zoning related prank.

According to Madison Police Department spokesman Mike Hanson, the police department received numerous calls from residents reporting that a women dressed in all black and wearing a black stocking cap was stealing "For Sale" signs placed in front of properties first on Lake Point Drive and later on Madison's far south west side off High Point and Midtown roads. Witnesses provided a description of her vehicle, which police later located in a parking lot off Midvale Road near the new Hilldale Row condominiums.

Hanson says that Schaeffer entered the vehicle in the parking lot upon seeing officers pull up, and began speeding away. Officers tried to pull over Schaeffer's vehicle on Midvale, but she refused to stop. A high speed chase ensued, and continued up Verona Road and onto the Beltline. Police pursued Schaeffer all the way to Crossroads Drive on the East Side, where Schaeffer's vehicle crashed into the side of an office building owned by T. Wall Properties.

Schaeffer was not injured in the crash, but Hanson says that her car was totaled. "Her trunk flew open on impact and dozens of 'For Sale' signs came flying out the back of the vehicle. It appears Schaeffer was stealing the signs from in front of affordable housing units created under Madison's Inclusionary Zoning law in an attempt to keep those units from selling." Schaeffer will be charged today with misdemeanor counts of theft and disorderly conduct.

Terrance Wall, whose company owns the office building hit by Schaeffer's car, says the damage is extensive, but he is relieved that Schaeffer did not suffer injury. Wall says that Smart Growth Madison will pay Schaeffer's bail this morning, so that she can "get back to the important business of lobbying." Wall says that he will write off the costs of the damage to his building as a lobbying expense.

Schaeffer will be formally charged in court later today. She was convicted of a similar crime in 2003, when she had misdemeanor theft of movable property charges reduced to a simple forfeiture for theft.

Smart Growth Madison issued a statement saying they stand behind their new Executive Director and will help her fight these charges associated with "just doing her job." Schaeffer may have been directed by Smart Growth members to steal the signs as part of the group's continuing effort to insure that Inclusionary Zoning homes sit vacant and unsold.

The Madison Metropolitan School District Board will meet Monday to consider 3 referendum questions that may be decided by voters in November's election. Two questions relate to building or adding onto schools on Madison's west side to accomodate significant population growth in the area. A third question asks permission to increase the district's operating budget.

According to School Board President Carol Carstensen, the board will need to make significant cuts if the third referendum question does not pass. These cuts include funding for most extra-curricular activities and some athletics. Due to significant public outcry, the district will not consider cutting varsity boys' football, basketball, or wrestling programs. Instead, Carstensen explains, the district will have to either eliminate math classes for 6th through 8th graders or begin charging families to have their children take math.

Board member Ruth Robarts, who opposes all three of the referendum questions, claims the board must "stop the madness" of increased spending whatever it takes. Robarts states, "We are spending too much on frills like math and science. Students in middle school aren't paying attention in class anyway, so a little less math isn't going to hurt them. And if the parents really want their children in math classes, they can cover the additional costs." Robarts, along with board member Lawrie Kobza, would like to make additional spending cuts including the elimination of all school administration, doubling all class sizes in all grades, and no longer giving teachers health insurance. Asked how the district would function without any administration, Kobza explains, "The board could run the district. Think of all of the expensive positions including principals, superintendents, and others that we could cut. The savings would be well worth the extra time the board would spend managing school business."

On Monday night, the board will decide whether to move ahead with all 3 referendum questions. The first two seem to have universal support on the board, but the third will likely prove more contentious. Police spokesman Mike Hanson says that officers will be available nearby in case the board meeting turns ugly.

Admist much controversy regarding a rule to exclude same-sex couples and subsequent removal of that rule, some of Madison's talk radio hosts and notable politicians have announced plans to enter a kissing contest sponsored by pop radio station Z104. The contest is now scheduled for this Saturday outside of the Z104 studios, and winners will receive a tropical vacation.

Madison's oddest couple, conservative radio host Vicki McKenna and progressive alderman Austin King, was the first to declare intention to participate in the kiss-off. McKenna told her listeners on Thursday that she was hesitant to participate in a competition that included same-sex couples, but she had already committed prior to the rule change. "Besides," she says, "Austin said he'd participate with or without me, and I don't want him kissing anyone else." King plans to bring a full box of nicotine patches for McKenna, as she ordinarily cannot go more than 20 minutes without a cigarette.

Also joining the fray of mad-kissers are WTDY mid-day maverick John "Sly" Sylvester and his kissing partner Alderwoman Robbie Webber. Sly explains, "I've said some pretty nasty things about her in the past, and it's time I show Madison I'm not such a bad guy. Hopefully, my offer to lock lips with Robbie will make up for my past rudeness. I just hope she doesn't bite my tongue off!"

There are rumors that Mayor Dave Cieslewicz plans to ask Alderwoman Brenda Konkel to pucker up with him for the contest. The two reportedly had a falling out over the lobbying ordinance late last year but have come back together through their work on inclusionary zoning. The mayor now believes it's time to kiss and make up. Konkel says she is undecided as to whether she would accept such an invitation from the mayor.

In response to the anouncement that same-sex couples would be allowed to participate in the contest, Casey Hoff of WTDY phoned Alderman Larry Palm on the air asking that he pair up with Hoff for the kiss-off. Palm was hesitant at first, as he was hoping to smooch Alderman Zach Brandon. However, upon hearing the news that Brandon already had plans to enter the contest with much older Alderwoman Cindy Thomas (the two plan to wear matching sweaters and their little red tax cap beanies during the competition), Palm agreed to join forces with Hoff.

Former Madison Mayor Paul Soglin has been asked to join conservative realtor and alderwoman Judy Compton. Soglin agreed after explaining to Compton that this would be a little different than their past relationship, as "she need not kiss my ass this time." WIBA radio talk show host Mitch Henck will also take part in the contest, locking lips with longtime pal, Alderman Jed Sanborn.

One Madison City Council member has declared that he will not participate in the Z104 Kiss Off under any circumstances. Alderman Isadore Knox considers himself too independent and has decided to abstain from participating.

Z104 morning show hosts and contest sponsors, Connie and Fish, are thrilled that so many well known Madison figures plan to pucker up with them. They were also surprised and pleased to find that their listenership included at least some people over the age of 20.

Alderman Jed Sanborn issued a press release today announcing his intent to propose repeal of Madison's Big Box Ordinance. The current ordinance, passed last year, places major restrictions on big box retailers.

According to Sanborn, "It's just not right that you can't buy big boxes in Madison." He says that the current law, designed to promote better land use and prevent urban sprawl by not allowing those moving to the suburbs or the city's periphery to purchases large boxes for packing, is unnecessary. Sanborn believes that there is a market for big boxes, and not allowing residents to purchase them interferes with the free market.

Sanborn insists there is a need for big boxes in Madison that is no longer being met. He also points to numerous big box stores that have gone out of business due to the ordinance. Alderman Zach Brandon agrees, saying, "We are chasing businesses out of Madison. Selling small boxes just is not as profitable as those big boxes." Brandon points out that one of his employees moved recently and could not find any boxes big enough for his belongings. Both Brandon and Sanborn refer to the law as "social engineering."

Some defend the current legislation. Alderman Ken Golden, one of the ordinance's original sponsors who has been accused of compromising away the intent of the law through allowing the sale of mid-size boxes, likes the Big Box ordinance as it is. "In addition to fighting sprawl, this law helps the environment by reducing carboard usage in the community. Though corrugated carboard is recyclable, many people still throw their big moving boxes in the garbage. We have reduced cardboard waste by nearly 75%."

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz is also disappointed by Sanborn's repeal attempt. Cieslewicz says that changes to improve the ordinance are already in the works, and Sanborn's efforts may interfere with the ability to improve the law. The proposed amendments were planned to be released upon completion of a city study of the ordinance due for completion next month but may be introduced sooner in order to block Sanborn's repeal. Some changes include adjusting the size restrictions to better meet box producers' standards and exempting some big box retailers that sell their boxes exclusively to students.

The Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce supports Sanborn's repeal efforts, though, claiming that small business is suffering. Chamber of Commerce President Jennifer Alexander would prefer such decisions be made on a national or statewide level. According to Alexander, "We've created an island for box distributors. Customers needing big boxes must travel outside of the city to purchase them, forcing our own big box small businesses to close or move out of the city."

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz will introduce an ordinance at Tuesday night's Common Council meeting that will allow a gong to be used to end any alderperson's remarks at any time. The ordinance is modeled after the 1970s NBC game show called The Gong Show. On the television program, one of three judges could stop a talent show performer's painful act immediately by striking a gong.

According to the mayor, his proposed ordinance would work just like the game show. However, one of 20 alderpeople or the mayor himself could strike the gong to end another alderperson's speech. Mayor Cieslewicz plans to place the proposed gong at the back of the Council Chambers so alders could simply slip to the back of the room to give it a clang.

Asked what inspired this ordinance, the mayor simply responded, "Alderwoman Judy Compton." Upon further probing, the mayor admitted that Compton's constant ramblings "grate on my last nerve," making specific reference to her particularly lengthy speech in the wee hours of the morning prior to the council's vote on repeal of the smoking ban.

Cieslewicz believes his proposal could be useful in many circumstances. "When Alderman Golden gets going with one of his pointless tirades to ruin perfectly good legislation or Alderman Palm grandstands about absolutely nothing, one strike of the gong would put an immediate end to it."

The ordinance currently has only one co-sponsor, Alderwoman Lauren Cnare. Cnare states that she is pleased to support any good proposal made by the mayor. According to mayoral spokesman George Twigg, the mayor expects other alderpeople to sign on as co-sponsors as soon as they realize the real value of the gong. Twigg says, "The ability to simply shut up a rambling colleague is powerful. Others will realize the benefits of such power."

If the ordinance passes for the City of Madison, Dane County Board Chairman Scott McDonnell plans to introduce similar legislation for the county. McDonnell explains, "As long as the gong will be there anyway, we might as well take advantage of it." Instead of calling it a gong ordinance, though, McDonnell plans to propose it as the "Blaska Rule" named for the county's most infamous grandstander.

Alderwoman Brenda Konkel spent her recent trip to Mexico working on a new ordinance requiring registration of all lobbying activities in the City of Madison. Last year, Konkel lost her battle to tighten up lobbyist registration requirements, leaving the city with an ordinance requiring nearly no one to register.

Konkel says the current ordinance is not working, so it's time to try again. Her current proposal would require registration of anyone entering a lobby or waiting room anywhere within city limits. She explains, "Some Madisonians spend an inordinate amount of time sitting in lobbies of doctors' offices, restaurants, etc. The public has a right to know who is lobbying where, and how much time they spend doing it. That time is valuable and should be reported."

During the last two months, Konkel has been listing on her blog all of her own experience with lobbying. Now she wants others to do the same. In December alone, Konkel listed 116 of her own contacts with business lobbies. In addition to registering with the city clerk if one spends time in a lobby, lobbyists would also be required to record all time spent there and submit these reports to the city quarterly. An additional form requires that the time be converted to dollars if the total value is over $500 per quarter.

Alderman Paul Skidmore, a strong proponent of the current lobbying ordinance, claims that Konkel's latest proposal is "unnecessary." Delora Newton, speaking on behalf of the Greater Madison Chamber of Commerce, is also unhappy with the proposal. Newton says the Chamber of Commerce's members would "prefer their lobbying activities remain unknown" and find the new ordinance proposal oppressive.

But Konkel disagrees, "Only when we pass a strong lobbying registration ordinance will citizens really know who is wasting our valuable time on lobbying."

Last month, Mayor Cieslewicz appointed a committee to select Madison's official city song. The committee has asked the mayor and each of Madison's alderpeople to nominate a song for consideration along with a brief explanation. Who nominated what and why?

Jed Sanborn: Yellow Submarine by the Beatles
Why? "In Madison, we all live in a yellow submarine, and we're sinking fast."

Brenda Konkel: This Side of Town by Widespread Panic
Why? "Well, I named my blog after it. And wherever you go in Madison, it describes where you are at. Of course, I'm partial to my side of town."

Lauren Cnare: I Will Follow by U2
Why? "Being a follower isn't all bad, is it?"

Mike Verveer: Downtown by Petula Clark
Why? "The title says it all."

Robbie Webber: Bicycle Race by Queen
Why? "Bicycle... Bicycle... Bicycle... I want to ride my bicycle... bicycle... bicycle..."

Judy Olson: Captain Jack by Billy Joel
Why? "If you've ever lived around Willy Street, you understand."

Zach Brandon: Add It Up by the Violent Femmes
Why? "Because our taxes just keep adding up."

Austin King: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen
Why? "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? The lyrics just speak for themselves. Well, at least the first verse anyway."

Paul Skidmore: 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall
Why? "Madison's bars."

Ken Golden: Corner Grocery Store by Raffi
Why? "I know it's a children's song, but I like it anyway."

Tim Gruber: This Town by the Go-Gos
Why? "As the song says, life's a kick in this town."

Brian Benford: What a Long Strange Trip it's Been by The Grateful Dead
Why? "I'm just along for trip and honored to be part of the journey."

Isadore Knox: none
Why? "I will have to abstain from submitting a song."

Tim Bruer: Bad, Bad Leroy Brown by Jim Croce
Why? "Well, I kind of like to think of myself like Leroy Brown, baddest man in the whole damned town. I would change 'south side of Chicago' to 'south side of Madison' though."

Larry Palm: Rubber Ducky from Sesame Street
Why? "I've just always loved that song."

Judy Compton: Land of Confusion by Genesis
Why? "I'm confused."

Santiago Rosas: Fight for your Right to Party by the Beastie Boys
Why? "The city is governing people's rights, like with the smoking ban. It's time to fight for your rights."

Paul Van Rooy: Flip Flop Rock by Outkast
Why? "Flip... Flop... Flip... Flop... I know the song's lyrics aren't really appropriate, but for some reason the flip-flop thing just works for me. I will probably change my mind later anyway."

Noel Radomski: Wanna be Startin' Somethin' by Michael Jackson
Why? "Because I'm stuck in the middle... yeah... yeah..."

Cindy Thomas: Uptown Girl by Billy Joel
Why? "It's just how I like to think of myself."

Mayor Dave Cieslewicz: It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood from Mister Rogers
Why? "Think trolleys. And won't you be my neighbor?"

Local columnist Melanie Conklin announced today that she will be leaving the Wisconsin State Journal to take a job writing for the National Enquirer. Conklin began writing her column for the State Journal in January 2005, after leaving her job as communications director for Mayor Dave Cieslewicz. Previously, Conklin had written for The Isthmus and cited a desire to return to journalism as a catalyst for her move to the State Journal.

Whether Conklin actually returned to journalism has been questioned, as her column in the Wisconsin State Journal more closely resembles a hotbed of gossip than serious journalism. Madison Alderwoman Brenda Konkel points out, "Melanie has a knack for writing about people at their worst. Sometimes I just want to tell her to lick my hairy armpit."

Conklin insists her column about the people and events of Madison reflects her serious commitment to journalism, though she admits that writing about Madison's elite is not exactly what she envisioned when she began the job. "I write about what happens in Madison, and that definitely is what journalism is all about. I expected to write a more serious column, but what Sue Bauman wears to the Frostiball is far more interesting," explains Conklin.

Asked why she is leaving the State Journal, Conklin says that she has always wanted to write for a newspaper with nationwide distribution. She entertained offers from USA Today and Star Magazine, as well, but both "lack the credibility of the National Enquirer." Ever since childhood, Conklin has read the Enquirer while waiting in line at the grocery store. As an adult, she has emulated the writing style of the Enquirer's columnists in hopes of someday writing for the publication.

Wisconsin State Journal publisher Jim Hopson says that Conklin will be missed at his newspaper. He is skeptical that the paper will be able to find another reporter with the "same knack for making news out of nothing." Apparently, the National Enquirer saw and liked that knack in Conklin.

According to Conklin, writing for the National Enquirer is "a dream come true," and writing about Madison's unique cast of characters has prepared her well for the new challenge. "I just can't wait to write my first two-headed baby story, and I'm already on the hunt for Elvis sightings." Reflecting on her short-lived career at the Wisconsin State Journal, Conklin says her only regret is "never having written that story about Paul Soglin's third nipple."

In an article on 2/1/06, Pure Madnesson mispelled the name of an epidemic disease striking Madison as "scratchitti." The correct spelling is "scratchiti."

Groundhog Day has traditionally been a holiday when differences are forgotten, as people come together to witness Jimmy the Grounhog searching for his shadow in Sun Prairie. This year, disagreement marred the event.

Those standing to the left of Jimmy swear that no shadow could be seen, leaving them optimistic that an early spring will occur. People to the right, though, claim that a shadow did appear. They are now pessimistic about the chances of spring coming early this year. Those to the left and the right of Jimmy cannot agree.

Jimmy the Groundhog, who was planted firmly in the center of the two groups of onlookers, states that he has no opinion on the matter.

According to Madison's Public Health Department, a rare disease called scratchitti is running rampant in the Madison area. Scratchitti has been nearly extinct for 80 years, but cases have begun showing up around Madison during the last year.

The disease is a variation of chicken pox and earned the name, scratchitti, because of its symptoms including a bright red rash and extreme itching. The rash associated with scratchitti is known to cause permanent scarring for its victims.

Public health officials warn that scratchitti is highly contagious and can not be treated with medication. The disease usually begins with a slight fever and minor rash. Within 2-3 days, the rash becomes more severe and bright red in color. The rash generally has pale white lines running through it that look like hierglyphic etchings.

The Public Health Department urges people to stay home as soon as scratchitti symptoms appear. No medication is currently available for scratchitti, but over-the-counter itch creams may provide some relief. Doctors are asking that patients not come into their offices and risk spreading scratchitti to others.

Unlike chicken pox, the disease often strikes the same person more than once. Two hundred ninety cases of scratchitti have been reported in Madison since mid-2005. Nearly a quarter of these cases have been reported by victims struck by scratchitti for a second time.

If you suspect you may have scratchitti, call your doctor or Madison's Public Health Department for advice.